#8: Marital Sex Is a Divine Help for the Sexual Struggle

I. Introduction
A. The Bible clearly knows about the reality of sexual passion and has a lot to say to us about the sexual struggle.
1. This is our eighth week of nine looking at Bible truths which help us in the sexual struggle.
B. I’m not trying to address everything in this series. There are many things which are true which are not in the Bible, of course, truths which come as a result of human experience, scientific investigation, etc.
1. However, in my preaching I try to stay close to the moorings of the Bible.
2. That is my job as a preacher/teacher of God’s word. And even though there is much truth in the rest, the fact is, there is also no certainty in those things. Ultimately they are the word of man, not the infallible word of God.
C. Read 1Corinthians 7:1–9.
II. In His great goodness toward mankind, God created sexual pleasure for marriage.
A. Not everyone accepts this. One of the errors Paul addresses in his epistles is the error of asceticism, which is the repudiation of earthly pleasures.
1. The Bible nowhere says anything that condemns sexual intimacy in the context of marriage. Not one little thing. Quite the opposite: it rejects and rebukes the notion that there’s something inherently wrong or unclean about sexuality.
2. Listen to what Paul says in 1Tim.4:1-5: “But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, by means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron, men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth. For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude; for it is sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer.”
a. Paul is talking about people forbidding marriage.
b. What do you think their objection to marriage would be? Shared finances? No, it was the sexual part, of course.
c. Paul calls that a “doctrine of demons.”
d. What does he say about marriage? It is created by God, it is to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth, it is good, it is not to be rejected if it is received with gratitude, it is made holy by the word of God and by prayer.
B. This same kind of idea is what Paul confronts in 1Cor.7:1-6. In v.1 he quotes what some in the church are saying: Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”
1. Your translation might say, “not to touch” here. That’s what the word literally means, but it’s being used as a euphemism for sexual contact. It’s used that way in other places as well, though not in the NT. For instance, in the Greek translation of the OT in Gen.20:4, 6 and Prov.6:29.
2. Then in v.2-6 Paul counters the notion that sexual contact is not good by insisting that within marriage sexual contact/pleasure is not only permitted but required.
C. This is what the Bible says about marital sex from beginning to end.
1. In the creation
2. Proverbs – In the book of Proverbs there are three passages about the seductive woman: all of chapter 5 and 7, and 9:13-18.
a. Proverbs 7 applies primarily to single men.
b. Prov.5, on the other hand, is addressed to the married man: v.18-19 “Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.”
(1) If you read this in context, it would be obvious that “fountain” here is referring to one’s wife. (This is written by a father to his son so everything is from a male perspective, but it applies in both directions.) God calls us to (delight in) our wives.
(2) Your translation may say “Be intoxicated” here instead of “Be exhilarated” in v.19. That’s the actual meaning of the Hebrew. God’s calls us to sexual ecstacy in the context of marriage.
(3) He call us to rejoice in our spouse/lover.
(4) This is God talking to us. This is not just allowed, it is commanded.
(5) Be satisfied in her at all times. Enjoy the person God has given you to the full.
(6) Be full of delight and of praise and of tenderness and closeness.
D. Sexual pleasure in the context of marriage should be hot and holy. There is no place for:
1. Asceticism
2. Christian prudery (thinking there’s something embarrassing, something to be ashamed of, about sex even in marriage).
3. The idea that sex is a necessary evil only for procreation.
III. Marriage does not necessarily end the sexual struggle.
A. Sometimes young people think that once they get married, their struggle with sexual temptation will stop. Married men know otherwise. And so does the Bible. We’ve already seen this in Proverbs 5.
B. We can see it here in 1Cor.7 as well, which is referring to married people and warning them about the danger of sexual immorality.
C. Why is this? Why is there still a struggle after marriage? The Bible gives us at least two reasons.
1. The Bible tells us that there’s something twisted and perverted in our sinful nature: we prefer forbidden fruit.
a. “The lips of a forbidden woman drip honey” (Prov.5:3). That which is forbidden tastes especially sweet to us.
b. “Stolen water is sweet” (Prov.9:17). (This is in the same context of viewing the wife as a fountain of water.) There’s something appealing about drinking from someone else’s fountain.
c. God created a world of pleasure. But man wanted the one thing he couldn’t have.
d. This is why to some marital sex seems boring. I know a couple who couldn’t keep their hands off each other before the wedding but suddenly lost interest on the wedding night. And I’ve heard guys with gorgeous wives talking lustfully about other women.
e. God gifts us glorious gifts, but we aren’t impressed. We want the things He hasn’t given.
2. Forbidden sex is so much easier.
a. In the midst of marriage sex involves kindness, tenderness, patience, communication, self-control, sacrifice, and many other ingredients.
b. Even when both parties desire sexual intimacy, there can be an enormous amount of sexual/relational disjunction.
c. Why do you think that Paul has to remind people of their marital duty?
d. The seductive woman in Proverbs is so easy: she’s got her bed ready, her husband is gone, she doesn’t need to be romanced, she’s already willing.
IV. But God has given marriage as a way to address our sexual desire.
A. Let’s look at more of Proverbs 5: “Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. 16 Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. 20 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?”
1. Here a husband is exhorted to focus his sexual desire not upon someone else but solely upon his wife (who is called “water from your own cistern/well...your springs...your fountain”).
2. I would say a marital bed that is holy (Heb.13:4) is a marital bed which is hot. A marital bed which is pure is a marital bed which is passionate.
a. Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
b. You’re not obeying Heb.13:4 by just abstaining from sexual immorality.
c. Be intoxicated with her love!
d. Marriage is much more than sex. But it’s not less than sex.
e. An erotic bond is vital to a healthy marriage. And generally an erotic marriage bed is vital to keeping oneself from sexual immorality.
B. Even though the Bible is clear that marriage is not necessary for sexual purity, three times in 1Cor.7, a chapter where he recommends singleness, Paul points to marriage as the solution for controlling sexual passion.
1. 1Corinthians 7:2 “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”
2. 1Corinthians 7:8–9 “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
3. 1Corinthians 7:36 “If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin.”
C. I recently read some articles which were arguing in favor of self-pleasuring from a Christian perspective. And one of the strongest justifications was that it aids in self-control of sexual passion.
1. They were well-reasoned but not well-researched (i.e. they resorted to their own minds, not to the Scriptures).
2. But isn’t it interesting that in the places where Scripture addresses the issue of controlling sexual passions, self-pleasuring is never recommended as a solution.
3. For instance, here in 1Cor.7, notice that marital sex is the answer given as to how to address sexual passion. It doesn’t say that self-pleasuring is the answer.
D. 1Corinthians 7:1–5 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1. How should you handle your spouse’s temptations to sexual sin?
a. You’ve heard it said: “Heroes run toward trouble not away from it.” Well, likewise, marriage heroes run to the trouble instead of running away from it.
b. Running away from your spouse’s temptation to sexual immorality just makes the problem worse.
c. The loving thing to do is make it easy for your spouse to find what he/she needs in your arms, to help them resist the temptation to go elsewhere for satisfaction.
d. Let me give you an illustration of what I’m talking about. Most of you know who RC Sproul is. He’s been one of the main spokesmen for Reformed Christianity in my generation. He’s charming, funny, smart, eloquent, confident and successful: just the kind of man who is going to attract women. But his wife Vesta is almost always at this side, looking her best and lovingly protecting her husband from sin. Do you realize how much damage would have been done to the Kingdom if RC had fallen into sin? We may have never met or even seen Vesta Sproul. But we’ve all benefitted from her service to Christ and her husband.
2. The use and abuse of authority in the marital bed – v.4 “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
a. This is radical. There is gender equality in the sexual relationship in marriage!
(1) Paul calls wives to submit to their husbands in Eph.5:22 and Col.3:18.
(2) But not here. Not in the marriage bed.
(3) In the sexual relationship in marriage, both parties willingly are to yield themselves to the other: “My body is yours.”
b. It is very important to note that 1Cor.7:4 refers to authority relinquished, not authority seized; to authority given, not authority taken.
c. God doesn’t want us lording it over our spouses in bed. In Matthew 20:25–28 Jesus said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
d. Love means preferring the other to yourself: being committed to the pleasure and holiness of the other. “Outdo one another in showing honor.” – Rom.12:10
e. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more important than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3–4) That’s the spirit God calls us to exhibit in the marriage bed.
f. This means never ever forcing yourself upon another.
g. This means wanting to please the other, not just be pleased by the other.
h. Godly sex isn’t about power; it’s about love. It’s about being a servant not a master.
i. It means winning instead of whining, wooing instead of warring.
3. You can see in all of this why Jesus is the key to marriage and sexuality as He is the key to everything. Only when we’re filled with Him, only when we’re abiding in Him can we be who we need to be to have strong successful relationships. Only when the loving Savior who washed His disciples feet dwells in our hearts will we have the love and humility to be holy men and women in the context of sex and marriage.
a. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. I.e. it is the Spirit’s work in us which produces it.