Parents & Children #2: Things I've Learned Since I Knew It All: Hating Our Children

I. Introduction
A. Today we talk about the tools of parenting, the “How to make it work” question.
1. I taught on this subject a lot in the past. And my emphasis was always on discipline and teaching about God.
II. Today I’d like to tell you first about the things I’ve learned about these methods of parenting since I knew it all.
A. Discipline: things I’ve learned since I knew it all
1. I still believe in discipline. The Bible talks about it clearly, numerous times — and I still think God is a lot smarter than we are.
2. But here’s what I’ve learned about discipline since I knew it all: I think parents need to be much more careful. Not just because of the heightened sensitivity to child abuse in our society. But also because of the heightened sensitivity of our own children.
3. Frankly, years ago I scoffed at the notion of damaging our children’s psyches through physical discipline.
4. I think physical discipline needs to be done with the care we would want a doctor to have when doing surgery on us.
5. In fact, care is an overarching lesson I’ve learned.
a. Care in talking to your children.
b. Care in talking about your children.
c. Care in correcting your children.
d. Care in playing with children.
e. Care in giving gifts to your children.
f. One thing I’ve realized as my children have grown up and become adults is that little things can have an enormous impact on kids. Things they notice, things they remember, things that impact them seem to us so tiny and insignificant. And so we need to parent with that in mind. Everything we say, everything we do, could end up being of gigantic importance to them.
g. As it turned out, over all my kids were much more sensitive than I expected them to be.
6. Is this need for great care in the Bible? I think so.
a. Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger” even before it says, “but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
B. Things I’ve learned about teaching children about God since I knew it all
1. I still believe in teaching your children about God. It’s a central theme of the Bible.
2. However, I’ve become convinced that we’ve got to be sensitive to the interest level of our kids. If you push it on them when they’re not hungry for it, that will not help. If they’re open, go for it. If they’re hungry, go for it big time. Do what you can to make it a joy. And if it isn’t, don’t push.
3. Does the Bible teach this? I think so. “Don’t case your pearls before swine.” (Matt.7:6)
a. I think we also see it in the example of Jesus. He didn’t force-feed people who didn’t want to listen. He taught those who came to hear Him, and His teaching was designed to bring the intrigued back for more. But the rest He just let go. He didn’t chase after them warning them about not listening. He trusted God to create interest in people at the right time.
C. Things I left out of the parenting equation in the early years of my ministry
1. 1Cor.13:7 (“Love believes all things.”) Part of loving someone is believing in them.
a. I was not liked by my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade teachers. Then in 4th grade, I had an old woman named Mrs. Williams. She liked me. She believed in me. And it changed my attitude toward school. And it changed my attitude toward the world. It changed my life.
b. Believing in our children is very important.
2. Honoring children
a. In Mark 10:13–16 “they were bringing children to Jesus that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, ‘Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.’ And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.”
b. There’s something to learn there that’s crucial to parenting.
c. We need to be doing this every day: making time for them, showing them how important they are to you, not letting them be slighted, not letting them be last.
3. Loving your spouse (Eph.5:22-33)
a. “The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.” And vice versa.
b. This doesn’t mean that husband and wife need to always agree. That’s not the real world. What God calls us to do is love one another even if we disagree and even as we disagree.
c. Our children will grow up and get married and they’ll have disagreements. And what they need is an example of how to handle disagreements with love.
4. Let me recommend a book that had a large impact on me, teaching so much to this one who knew it all: Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp. If you haven’t read it, or haven’t read it recently, I urge you to do so.
III. Now we come to the “hating your children” part of the sermon.
A. In Luke 14:26 Jesus said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
B. Jesus is constantly saying such alarming things! What would you expect a religious leader to say? “If anyone comes to me and does not love his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.”
1. Instead, He told us we must hate our loved ones and love our enemies.
C. The #1 thing about parenting is the #1 thing about life: to love God first.
1. If you love anything else more, you’re not worthy to be Christ’s follower.
2. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.” (Luke 14:26)
3. I think Jesus here tells us the secret of parenting.
4. The most loving thing you can do for your children is to hate them in the way Jesus demands. When it comes to this ultimate form of love and allegiance, there needs to be an element of detachment in our hearts from our child, where we say, “This child is not God, but is for God.”
5. The story of Abraham and Isaac poses the question to us well: Are we willing to give up our children to the Lord? Are we willing to put them on the altar? Are we willing to let God be first, above our children? Are our children our identity, refuge and delight or is it the Lord?
6. Our children are not God. And they must not be treated as such.
7. Our children are not our salvation, Christ is. God’s approval is the thing we need, not our child’s. God’s love — not our child’s — is our dwelling place.
D. We want our children to know we love them, of course. And yet we also very much want them to know that they are not first in our hearts. We want them to see and feel that the Lord is securely in first place. It may seem paradoxical, but one way we must love our spouses and children is to make it clear to them that Christ is most important and most loved in our hearts.
1. Our love for our children should not be in conflict with our love for God, it should be because of our love for God. Because we love God we love our children.
2. If you want to gain your children, you must lose them. If you insist on keeping them, you are more likely to lose them in the end.
3. Listen to the lyrics of an old Keith Green song:
a. I pledge my wife to heaven for the gospel,
b. Though our love just seems to grow each passing day.
c. As I told her when we wed, I'd surely rather be found dead,
d. Than to love her more than the one who saved my soul.
e. I pledge my son to heaven for the gospel,
f. Though he's kicked and beaten, ridiculed and scorned.
g. I will teach him to rejoice and raise a thankful, praising voice,
h. To the One who bore the nails and crown of thorns.
4. Part of the importance of this is the pedagogical effect, the lesson we’re teaching our child.
5. If we love them first, we’re teaching them to find their ultimate fulfillment on earth.
6. The truth is that Jesus Christ is my real family, my real home. Isn’t that what we want to teach children?
7. The fact is that we are all tempted to lie about the gospel to our children by how we treat them.
a. When we elevate an earthly goal — even something great like loving our children — above the eternal goal, then we are contradicting our faith in God.
8. You see, if we really believe that God is in control of what happens, then we will know that the secret is to love Him first and do what is pleasing in His sight.
E. And that’s exactly what our children need from us most of all.
1. They need parents who love Jesus, who trust Jesus, who rest in Jesus, who remember Jesus in the midst of trouble.
F. I recently heard a talk by Dan Allender which included a story that occurred on a family skiing outing. Their young son was quite an accomplished skier, but as a result of a nasty fall he had occasional panic attacks on the ski slopes. This happened to him one day at the top of a slope in Colorado. After trying to talk him into going down the slope for a while, Dad began to grow impatient. Sensing this, Mom suggested that Dad ski down, assuring him that she would make sure the son got down the hill. Dad skied down to the next landing, and watched from far below as his wife comforted and encouraged their son. When it seemed like this was not working, he began to walk back up the hill, now quite angry. His wrath was stirred up even more by the fact that neither of them were acknowledging his shouts, even as he got closer. When he finally arrived back at the scene, Mom, sensing his fury, turned to her husband, placing herself between the child and the irate father. Dad softly but intensely said to her, “Move!”
a. These are the kinds of spots families often find themselves. The question is, Where does your mind go in situations like this? Do you think the circumstance is the big thing going on here or do you remember there is Someone there who is much bigger than the problem? Do we panic as if it’s all up to us?
b. “I lift up my eyes to the hills — from where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth!” (Ps.121:1-2)
c. The Mom in this story made a very wise move, one that showed she had not forgotten the Lord.
d. But even if she had fallen on her knees and cried out to God for grace and mercy, I think her example would have diffused the situation.
e. What she did was put her hand on her husband’s heart and said, “I know the people who have humiliated you in your life. And I know you don’t want to do that to your son.” She then turned and skied down the hill.
f. There’s power in remembering God.
G. Ultimately parenting is not about methods. It’s not a matter of spending time with your kids. It's much harder than that. It's a matter of who we are deep inside before God. It’s a matter of His love being the big thing in our lives.
IV. Conclusion
A. If we got the kids we deserved, they’d be monsters.
B. Instead, on account of His grace God gives us the kids which are best for us.
C. Each one He gives us is a part of the story God is telling in and through our lives. He is also telling a story through their lives.
D. We don’t get to write that story. We don’t even know that story until it unfolds.
E. Every story includes drama and suspense and change.
F. But ultimately it’s God’s story. Ultimately it’s a story of His grace. And no matter how ugly the story looks right now, no matter how hopeless things appear to be, in the end we’ll be giving God a standing ovation. We’ll be shouting His praise and exulting in the glory of His work.