Marriage and Covenant

I. Introduction
A. This morning we begin a month of sermons about marriage, coinciding with a series of marriage testimonies in adult SS class.
B. Read Genesis 2:15–25
II. Marriage as a covenant
A. Marriage is a covenant relationship.
1. Malachi 2:14 “The LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”
2. Proverbs 2:17 “who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God;”
3. Ezekiel 16:8 “When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord GOD, and you became mine.”
4. Ezekiel 16:59–60 “For thus says the Lord GOD: I will deal with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath in breaking the covenant, yet I will remember my covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish for you an everlasting covenant.” Cf. Hosea 2:18–22
B. What is a covenant?
1. A sacred bond entered into by means of a solemn vow before God
a. The two become one: linked for life
b. Inviting God into your relationship as a witness and enforcer
c. Such that God is seen as the One establishing the relationship: “What God has joined together”
d. Includes duties and responsibilities
2. Most of us are in a number of covenant relationships. E.g.
a. In the parent/child relationship a covenant is implied/assumed. You can’t just back out if a child is difficult or has poor health, etc.
b. We enter into a covenant with Christ and with His people at baptism.
3. Marriage is a covenant we choose to enter into.
4. Adoption is another covenant relationship some choose to enter into.
a. A child goes from having no relationship to having the full rights of a child and member of the family just by signing some papers.
C. Tim Keller contrasts two kinds of relationships: the consumer relationship and the covenant relationship
1. Consumer: continues as long as it is beneficial to both parties
2. Covenant: where you are committed and responsible for that person’s welfare
3. More and more people think of marriage according to the consumer model: As long as I find the relationship pleasing and beneficial, I will stick with it.
4. “Sociologists argue that in contemporary Western society the marketplace has become so dominant that the consumer model increasingly characterizes most relationships that historically were covenantal, including marriage. Today we stay connected to people only as long as they are meeting our particular needs at an acceptable cost to us. When we cease to make a profit – that is, when the relationship appears to require more love and affirmation from us than we are getting back — then we ‘cut our losses’ and drop the relationship.” Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
D. More and more Christian counselors are buying into the idea that an unhappy marriage is worse than a divorce.
III. Divorce
A. Now covenant relationships are not inseparable.
1. Marriage covenants can be broken. And the Bible commands that they be done officially and legally, not just informally (divorce: see Deut.24:1-4).
2. Jesus Himself said that divorce is permissible in some cases in Matt.19:9.
B. In the Bible I know of no prescribed punishment for nonbiblical divorce, but it is condemned clearly and repeatedly.
1. E.g. 1Corinthians 7:10–11 “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”
2. And Jesus Himself is the One who said: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matt.19:6
C. What guidance does the Bible offer for those who are struggling with difficult spouses? It is not to divorce because your marriage is unhappy, it is to love your spouse in spite of their sins.
1. 1Peter 3:1–2 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
2. 1Pet.3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
3. We’re not talking about an unfaithful spouse or an abusive spouse. That’s different. But we are talking about a sinful spouse, a spouse who might not make you feel very loved, maybe even a spouse who is in some sense rebelling against the Lord.
4. But you can’t judge whether you have an emotionally abusive spouse or just a sinful spouse by how much pain you feel. Sometimes a difficult spouse causes you just as much pain as an unfaithful or abusive one.
IV. Marriage pain
A. How do I experience pain? As from my loving heavenly Father who knows what I need? or I can’t take this!?
B. Well, I for one can testify that in my pride I needed the pain of a difficult marriage.
C. Have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons... For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Heb.12:5–7, 11)
V. Application
A. In my book this church has a lot of heroes: single heroes, married heroes and divorced heroes.
B. So let’s start with what Paul says in 1Cor.7 which applies to everyone: “Let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.” 1Corinthians 7:17
a. Has God assigned you a spouse? Then live life with your spouse: make the best of it.
b. Has God called you right now to a life of singleness? Then live that life “with God.” (1Cor.7:24)
c. In both there are pressures which tempt us to push the panic button. But God has us there for a reason and we shouldn’t flee whenever the going gets tough.
C. Another thing that relates to everyone: There is something more important than keeping marriage going.
1. Marriage is of limited importance.
a. First of all, marriage is just for this life. It is not an eternal relationship. Jesus makes that clear in Matt.22:23-34.
b. Marriage is not even the most important relationship in a family. Your relationship with God is.
2. There is something more important than providing your children with the security and stability of marital harmony. They need to see you trust the Lord even in the pains and difficulties of life.
3. Your children are going to have problems and struggles in their lives. And what an enormous blessing to have had a parent who kept their eyes on the Lord even when the storm howled and the waves rolled? If you put your hope in the Lord in the context of a painful marriage you will provide a wonderful blessing to your children.
D. For those who are in pain in the context of your marriage:
1. I commend you for staying. I know that sometimes staying feels like being torn in two.
2. Mere survival isn’t enough. Coexistence is not marriage.
a. Effort must be applied.
b. Desperate prayers must be lifted up — Phil.4:6 “with thanksgiving” and without fretting
c. Love must be extended, communication attempted, understanding sought.
d. Patience, long-suffering, perseverance is required.
e. Choosing the success of the relationship over your personal happiness: “I choose us.” Family Man (movie)
f. Remember that God can remove the obstacles in a flash if He deems it best.
3. It’s one thing to be upset that you are not unified, it’s quite another to invest in your unity.
a. You invest with words, deeds, respect, compassion, understanding, reaching out, extending yourself.
b. Bitterness, disdain, slamming the door of your heart are poisonous to the marriage relationship.
c. Insults, complaints, constant criticism are never the way to make things better.
d. “You must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another... 12 As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, and be thankful.” Colossians 3:8–15
4. 1Peter 3:8-12 Finally, all of you, [not just those with difficult spouses, but including them] have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 10 For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; 11 let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. 12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
a. Do you desire to love life? Do you desire to see good days? Here’s God’s prescription: keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit; turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
5. I would argue that THAT is what our children need. They don’t need parents that don’t have problems. They don’t need perfect harmony in the home. They need to see examples of people who love, even when they’re not loved, like He did.
a. If a child has ONE parent like that, they are very blessed, and way ahead of most.
b. I’m not very good at that. I need to be filled with the Spirit of Christ to do that.
E. For the unmarried
1. Some are too scared of marriage. Others aren’t scared enough.
2. You must be very careful about who you marry.
3. But remember that God is bigger than the hardships which you will experience.
4. There are no guarantees. My wife has lived with five different men in her life — and they’ve all been me (to quote Tim Keller).
5. According to the Bible sexual intimacy is to happen only in the context of this covenantal relationship. In sex two become one physically (1Cor.6:16).